Read This or You’ll Be Sorry

Today when I was on Gchat my friend Jovan said, “It’s Monday. No post today? I was looking forward to it.” It sorta kinda made my day. I told him I would write something when I got home. So here I am. If no one else reads then, Jovan, this one is for you. Today I am going to tell you tysomeones how to deliver a grade A apology. The inspiration? Today a boy I shall call Mike hit a girl I shall call Simone with a football. Simone started crying and Mike went over. C’mon Mike, do the right thing. Let Miss Beck overhear you give a quality apology just like I taught ya! Mike ran over oh great he’s reacting quickly and loud as day oh good he doesn’t care who hears said, “Maaan (sucks teeth) that wasn’t even my fault! You ran right in front of the ball!” Bummer. I had a long conversation with Mike. First of all, you hit a girl. Shame on you. Second of all, it was a bad throw. Your ball ran into her not vice versa. But most importantly, I am tired of people (of all ages) and their weak apologies. Now I know a weak apology when I see one because I have both given and received one. I am going to give you five common scenarios and I will tell you what you maybe should say. I say maybe because I am not the master of apologies, but just read…

 Scenario 1: You forget to text someone back 

They are really passive aggressive and/or sarcastic about it and send you texts like, “thanks for responding.” Well unless the person on the other end completely sucks then you should feel bad. We all check our phones all the time so you saw the text. Don’t say you didn’t get it because that’d be lying (unless you have Metro PCS in which case that might have happened). Instead you should say, “OMG, so sorry for responding this late! I was very busy. Forgive me?” They should respond and say “NBD. I get it”. If they don’t respond then they are doing exactly what you did which would make them a hypocrite. They have no choice, but to say “NBD” and it’s over. However, don’t make a habit out of not responding especially if they’re a good friend. (This does not apply to texts sent after 2 a.m. -responding to these texts is up to your discretion).

 Scenario 2: You forget to wish a friend happy birthday

First of all, what a rookie mistake. You don’t need an address book anymore. Just check Facebook. However, I know this happens so this is what you should do. Step 1: Pick up the phone. Step 2: Say you are so sorry for missing their special day and ask if you can hang out soon. Step 3: Follow through. If you don’t do step 3 then forget steps 1 and 2.

Note: This scenario only works for acquaintances. If you’re not that close then a “happy belated!!!” tweet will suffice. If you are very close then make step 3 step 4 and then step 3 should be: get in car, drive to the nearest mall and pick out a bottle of perfume or cologne. I mean it’s the least you could do for forgetting a very close friend’s day of birth. Do better. 

 Scenario 3: You’re running late to…anywhere

We’ve all been late to something or another. My advice? Call the person who’s waiting and give them an accurate time for when you may arrive. If it will be a while then consider rescheduling. If you’re down the street then say that. Like most apologies, just be honest and don’t make a habit out of it. If you’re chronically late then I suggest changing your clocks, realizing that you are terrible at multi-tasking, or setting a really annoying ringtone. Let’s face it- that Adele alarm is not making you move with a sense of urgency.

 Scenario 4: You put your foot in your mouth 

I had a friend who once said, “Anyone who’s not an organ donor is stupid.” Well, it just so turns out that our other friend in the conversation was not an organ donor. I know it’s awkward, but you should really try to muster up some sort of apology. Sometimes we get comfortable around friends and think that we don’t need to apologize. Wrong! We totally do. Sometimes it helps to explain what you really meant. For example, “I really should not have said stupid. I really just think the benefits of being an organ donor outweigh the costs. I know it’s a personal choice though.” Hopefully, they’ll understand. Next time know your audience and speak slower. Ann Landers once said, “The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven’t thought of yet.”

 Scenario 5: You cheat on your girlfriend/boyfriend

Hey, didn’t I say I wasn’t the master of apologies? You’re on your own here. Ideas range from flowers to fleeing the country. But whatever you do… do NOT send a text. Odds are they won’t be responding with “NBD”.


Oh, and when I said “Jovan, this one is for you” that was not in any way subliminal. As far as I know you are good at giving apologies. I was referring to the blog post, not the topic.  

If you need more guidance then either stop doing things that you need to apologize for or check out !Wiki actually gives really good step by step instructions.





One thought on “Read This or You’ll Be Sorry

  1. Love love love this piece!! It speaks the truth! Also I can imagine pretty much all of repeat offender students sucking their teeth and saying what Mike said. Verbatim. Sometimes a quality apology is all you need! Come on people, get with it.

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