The Real Girlfriends of Instagram

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1. Little Miss Mysterious 

You have been following her for months, but don’t know who she dates. Why? Because she posts pictures like this:

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Who is this guy? Can we get a name please! Inquiring minds want to know. Wait, who is she dating? You’ll like it, but you don’t know who he is. Why didn’t she tag him? Is he not on Insta? I bet he’s artsy or older. Or both. Or maybe he’s studying for the bar or for his CPA exam. Everyone gets off Insta for that. Whatever. Double tap.

2. The Florist

Okay she’s not really a florist, but her Instagram makes her look like she works for 1-800 Flowers. She’s all like:

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Screen Shot 2014-01-30 at 1.02.22 AM Screen Shot 2014-01-30 at 1.10.44 AMScreen Shot 2014-01-30 at 1.14.57 AMScreen Shot 2014-01-30 at 1.21.20 AMAnd then you’re all like yes! Double tap. Yaaas girl! I see you! Lucky! He’s a winner! Because really any guy who sends flowers when it’s not a holiday is actually a winner. 

3. Flirty

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This girl’s mom doesn’t know what Instagram even is and we’re glad because the mom might die. No really. This girl is always in bed with her boyfriend, but she’s not out there out there (See: Insta models). She posts captions saying “being lazy today.” But she looks super cute. In bed. With her boyfriend. Not looking lazy. At all. In fact she looks like she’s auditioning for a John Mayer music video. Her body could be a wonderland. We’re not sure. Again, she’s not out there out there. You follow her anyway. She and her boyfriend are hot. Annoying, but hot. Fleeting thought: Who took their picture?

4. Traveler   

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This girl and her boyfriend travel all the time. You know because once she posted a picture of her passport. You hadn’t seen that many stamps since your 2nd grade behavior chart. She posts captions like “where to?” One minute they’re in Australia surfing the waves and holding koalas and the next they’re in Austin eating burritos. When you see her post you screenshot the pic and group chat your friends like “Omggg, how does she have so many vacation days!?” “Where does she work?” One of your friends says she actually doesn’t work. Another friend  says, “no she has a legit job. Really.” You stopped reading. You’re now wondering if the HR manager at work is single. Something has to give. You want to eat burritos too. In Austin.

5. “The Notebook” Relationship 

This girl and her boyfriend are the present day Allie and Noah. They ride bikes, eat ice cream and lay in the park.  And it’s really stinking cute. Read the comments. This is what happens.

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6. Puppy Love 

Pun intended. All the way intended. This girl is in love with a dog. No, not her ex-boyfriend. A four-legged, barking canine.

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Her dog is cute. I know it. You know it. We just hope she’ll stop making out with him.

7. The anti-relationship girl

This girl had a bad breakup last year. You know because it was all over Facebook. She tweets Drake and Taylor Swift lyrics on the regular and her most recent post on Insta was a bumper sticker about chasing money over men.

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Do you boo. Do you.



All usernames in this blog post are fake. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. You’re so vaiiiiin. I bet you think this post is about you don’t you. Don’t youuuuuu 🙂


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