Overheard at LaGuardia

“She had become really quite expert, she thought, at listening as though she didn’t listen, at sitting in other people’s lives just for a minute while they talked round her.” 
― Katherine MansfieldMiss Brill 

I spent a lot of hours in the airport. This is what I heard.

 

Mom: There’s an open seat. Go grab it

Child: No

Mom: You’re still afraid of strangers aren’t you?

 

Old Lady: Let’s go watch the planes go by

Old Man: Sure, darling, whatever you want

 

At security

Passenger: I think you can walk through the detector without your shoes now

Me: No, I don’t think you can

Passenger: Yea, these days they are changing things

Me: I really don’t think you can

(Man walks in with his shoes)

Me: Oh maybe you can!

Security Guard: Sir, please follow directions and REMOVE your shoes

Passenger: Maybe you can’t!

 

Mom: How did your dad pack this in here? Hello? I said how did your dad pack this in there?

Child: I don’t know. I’m not dad’s brain

 

Lady checking I.D.: You’re looking good Mr. Walton

Mr. Walton (old man): You haven’t seen my wife yet

(Wife is rolled up in wheelchair behind him)

Mr. Walton: What did I tell you? Even in that chair, she’s the younger one

 

Gate Agent: Paging passenger Jessica Balston. Again, last call for passenger Jessica Balston

Standby Passenger (balding man): Do you have a wig? Today I want to be Jessica Balston.

 

Dad: What time does the plane leave? I’m going to get my baby girl some snacks right quick

Gate Agent: She will have snacks on the plane. I would stay put

Dad: But I want them to be snacks she likes. She’s an unaccompanied minor

 

Lady: I’m trying to figure out how these young moms strap those baby holders on (points over to a mom)

Me: I have no idea

Lady: Me either, back in my day we just held our kids. Now they have those fancy front backpacks you can put your baby in. I’m going to ask her how it works. Maybe I’ll try one on just to see

 

Girl speaking to her friends: My dad wanted to go to Ultra with me and I was like no dad, but really, he’s like more fun than my friends

 

Flight Attendant 1: I hope we make this next flight. I need to get to Detroit.

Flight Attendant 2: Who else is trying to go besides us?

 

Old Lady: Where are you from?

College Kid: The Bronx, you ever been?

Old Lady: I was born there

College kid: Where do you live now?

Old Lady: New Orleans

College kid: Oh yea, what’s going on there?

Old Lady: What do you mean?

Old Lady’s Husband: He means what is there to do (winks to prove he’s still got it)

Old Lady: Oh I understand. There’s Bourbon street

College Kid: What’s that?

Old Lady: I recommend googling it

 

Waitress: Who ordered a Panini?

Man: What the hell is a puh-nee-nee?

Waitress: A sandwich

(She holds plate out)

Man: Oh, I didn’t order it I just wanted to know what the hell it was

 

Me: It’s a little like Hunger Games around here. Everyone staring at you waiting to get called

Gate Agent: (blank stare)

Me: I mean reverse Hunger Games. We all want to be called. We all want to get on the flight. I volunteer for coach!

Gate Agent: (glances up, shuffles papers)

Me: It’s a joke. It usually works. It’s funny right?

Gate Agent: (blank stare)

 

Spring breaker boy: Shit, our flight is delayed

Spring breaker girl: Are you kidding me? This is the worst day of my life

Spring breaker boy: Don’t worry we’ll still make it to Senor Frogs tonight

Spring breaker girl: I love you

 

Texts

My roommate: Did you make the flight?

Me: Nah, a playa still waiting

My roommate: #Really?

Me: Yea, a playa missed three in a row

My roommate: #yougotthis #yougaveityourall

Me: Playa is my new overused word

My roommate: I’m now overusing hashtags

 

College boy 1: This chick is getting on my nerves

College boy 2: Which chick?

College boy 1: Nicole

College boy 2: She gets on my nerves too man

College boy 1: Hold up, how do you know Nicole ?

 

Man: I know you must be a model huh?

Me: No

Man: I actually didn’t think you were, but it helps me pick up girls

Me: Why not introduce yourself? That tends to work

Man: My name is Ralph. Who the hell pulled somebody with the name Ralph?

Me: Ralph Lauren

Man: Okay, but nobody ever liked a middle class Ralph

 

Airport Security Check

Security Guard: Why are you smiling so hard?

Me: Umm I’m not sure

Security Guard: Where are you going today?

Me: Atlanta

Security Guard: That’s why you’re smiling

 

Mom: You didn’t make the flight. Call me when you get home

Me: I was thinking about sleeping at the airport

(silence)

Mom: Robin, call me when you get home

Me: It sounds lazy, but really I’d rather just curl up and hang out here

Mom: (The ‘I don’t have time for games’ voice) Robin, call me when you get home

 

And the next day I did make it home. To my home home. Atlanta.

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