“She had become really quite expert, she thought, at listening as though she didn’t listen, at sitting in other people’s lives just for a minute while they talked round her.”
― Katherine Mansfield, Miss Brill
I spent a lot of hours in the airport. This is what I heard.
Mom: There’s an open seat. Go grab it
Mom: You’re still afraid of strangers aren’t you?
Old Lady: Let’s go watch the planes go by
Old Man: Sure, darling, whatever you want
Passenger: I think you can walk through the detector without your shoes now
Me: No, I don’t think you can
Passenger: Yea, these days they are changing things
Me: I really don’t think you can
(Man walks in with his shoes)
Me: Oh maybe you can!
Security Guard: Sir, please follow directions and REMOVE your shoes
Passenger: Maybe you can’t!
Mom: How did your dad pack this in here? Hello? I said how did your dad pack this in there?
Child: I don’t know. I’m not dad’s brain
Lady checking I.D.: You’re looking good Mr. Walton
Mr. Walton (old man): You haven’t seen my wife yet
(Wife is rolled up in wheelchair behind him)
Mr. Walton: What did I tell you? Even in that chair, she’s the younger one
Gate Agent: Paging passenger Jessica Balston. Again, last call for passenger Jessica Balston
Standby Passenger (balding man): Do you have a wig? Today I want to be Jessica Balston.
Dad: What time does the plane leave? I’m going to get my baby girl some snacks right quick
Gate Agent: She will have snacks on the plane. I would stay put
Dad: But I want them to be snacks she likes. She’s an unaccompanied minor
Lady: I’m trying to figure out how these young moms strap those baby holders on (points over to a mom)
Me: I have no idea
Lady: Me either, back in my day we just held our kids. Now they have those fancy front backpacks you can put your baby in. I’m going to ask her how it works. Maybe I’ll try one on just to see
Girl speaking to her friends: My dad wanted to go to Ultra with me and I was like no dad, but really, he’s like more fun than my friends
Flight Attendant 1: I hope we make this next flight. I need to get to Detroit.
Flight Attendant 2: Who else is trying to go besides us?
Old Lady: Where are you from?
College Kid: The Bronx, you ever been?
Old Lady: I was born there
College kid: Where do you live now?
Old Lady: New Orleans
College kid: Oh yea, what’s going on there?
Old Lady: What do you mean?
Old Lady’s Husband: He means what is there to do (winks to prove he’s still got it)
Old Lady: Oh I understand. There’s Bourbon street
College Kid: What’s that?
Old Lady: I recommend googling it
Waitress: Who ordered a Panini?
Man: What the hell is a puh-nee-nee?
Waitress: A sandwich
(She holds plate out)
Man: Oh, I didn’t order it I just wanted to know what the hell it was
Me: It’s a little like Hunger Games around here. Everyone staring at you waiting to get called
Gate Agent: (blank stare)
Me: I mean reverse Hunger Games. We all want to be called. We all want to get on the flight. I volunteer for coach!
Gate Agent: (glances up, shuffles papers)
Me: It’s a joke. It usually works. It’s funny right?
Gate Agent: (blank stare)
Spring breaker boy: Shit, our flight is delayed
Spring breaker girl: Are you kidding me? This is the worst day of my life
Spring breaker boy: Don’t worry we’ll still make it to Senor Frogs tonight
Spring breaker girl: I love you
My roommate: Did you make the flight?
Me: Nah, a playa still waiting
My roommate: #Really?
Me: Yea, a playa missed three in a row
My roommate: #yougotthis #yougaveityourall
Me: Playa is my new overused word
My roommate: I’m now overusing hashtags
College boy 1: This chick is getting on my nerves
College boy 2: Which chick?
College boy 1: Nicole
College boy 2: She gets on my nerves too man
College boy 1: Hold up, how do you know Nicole ?
Man: I know you must be a model huh?
Man: I actually didn’t think you were, but it helps me pick up girls
Me: Why not introduce yourself? That tends to work
Man: My name is Ralph. Who the hell pulled somebody with the name Ralph?
Me: Ralph Lauren
Man: Okay, but nobody ever liked a middle class Ralph
Airport Security Check
Security Guard: Why are you smiling so hard?
Me: Umm I’m not sure
Security Guard: Where are you going today?
Security Guard: That’s why you’re smiling
Mom: You didn’t make the flight. Call me when you get home
Me: I was thinking about sleeping at the airport
Mom: Robin, call me when you get home
Me: It sounds lazy, but really I’d rather just curl up and hang out here
Mom: (The ‘I don’t have time for games’ voice) Robin, call me when you get home
And the next day I did make it home. To my home home. Atlanta.